Jerkey Beef
by HazelWitch81
Summary: After being knocked out by Bender, Hermes rekindles a dream to sing commercial jingles.


This fanfic is inspired by the American Dad episode White Rice.

Futurama

Opening Credits Scene:

Where Gender Stereotypes Don't Exist

Screen: Chip and Dale

Chapter One:

It was the First Day of Spring in New New York. At Planet Express, Hermes was mad at Bender.

Hermes: Bender! You incompetant piece of scrap metal! I never should've had you re-inspected!

Bender: What are you pinning on me this time?

Hermes: You messed up the last delivery you made to the Big Dipper to that man named Owens!

Bender: I thought his name was Bones!

Leela and Amy were in the living room evasdropping.

Amy: Should we really be doing this?

Leela: Yes we can!

Amy: Why?

Leela: We can use it against them, later!

Hermes: I can't afford any mess ups!

Bender: Got news for you, Heavy D! Everybody messes up! It's like you expect us to be this uber-efficient, Herculean, perfectionist super hero!

Hermes: That's the whole concept of having a job! Doing it without messing up! If I mess up, it could ruin my reputation that the beaurcracy!

Bender: Nobody cares about your stupid (mockingly) beaucracy! Stepin Fetchit!

Hermes (angerly): Okay, that's it! Come on! You and me! Let's go! Let's get it on! (throws air punches)

Bender (singing): Get it on! Bang a Gong! Get it on!

Hermes chases Bender into the living room until Bender runs into Farnsworth's lab.

Hermes: Which way did he go?

Leela (points): That way.

Hermes: Thanks. (runs off)

Amy: Don't bother us! We're watching the Live 8000 concert! Did you know Leela likes alternative punk rock?

Leela: Amy! No! Don't tell them that!

-

Chapter Two:

Hermes runs into Farnsworth's lab where Bender is in hiding.

Hermes: Bender! Bender! Are you in here? This isn't funny anymore!

Bender comes out with a ray gun in his hand.

Bender: Here's Bender!

Hermes: You want a fight? You got one!

Bender: Think you got a shot, Uncle Ben?

Bender shoots Hermes with the ray gun.

Farnsworth: Bender! Why did you shoot Hermes with my memory eraser?

Bender: That's what that was?

Farnsworth: He'll be knocked out for 24 hours!

Bender: Well, that's an advantage! He won't remember how I messed up.

24 Hours Later...

Hermes: (coming to after being knocked out)

Leela: At least we won't have to send him to that coma ward in Utah.

Bender: Welp, looks like I'm in the clear.

Hermes: Where am I? What happened?

Amy: You got knocked out. How do you feel?

Hermes: I feel okay...but something's coming back to me!

Farnsworth: Better run for cover Bender!

Bender: Enquiring Minds want to know. What's coming back to you?

Hermes: Before I became a bureaucrat, I wanted to sing commercial jingles.

Bender (whew): Then all you need is a manager! Like Don King is to Mike Tyson!

Hermes: Who's my manager?

Bender: You're looking at him! (gets out a laptop) And I already booked you your first gig!

Hermes: Excellent! Finally achieve my real dream!

Leela: I think you should totally go for it, Hermes!

Amy: We'll be with you every step of the way!

Chapter Three:

Leela, Bender, Hermes, and Amy were at a recording studio. Hermes was in the booth with a microphone.

Bender (ordering everyone in the studio out): Get out losers! I'm taking over now!

All of the people and robots run out of the studio. Bender, Leela and Amy watch Hermes as he gets ready to sing.

Leela: Okay, Hermes, you're going to sing a jingle for a furniture commercial as your first gig.

Bender: Now remember, I get half of what you make!

Hermes: No problem! I'm already rich!

Amy: Like Mark McGrath's head on Don't Forget the Lyrics would say, "Hit it!"

Hermes (singing): If you want new furniture at an unbeatable price, Come to Zarch's New Furniture Center! Our Low Prices Can't Be Beat! We're Open Day and Night for Seven Days a Week, So March on Down to Zarch's New Furniture Center!

Laptop: Approved!

Bender: All right! I did it!

Leela: You? He did it! Hermes! Not you you egomaniac!

Hermes: Can't wait to hear it!

Bender: But Hermes as your manager, I don't think you have a future singing about furniture stores. You need a more direct approach.

Hermes: What do you suggest?

Amy: What should he do?

Leela: Where are you going with this?

Bender (singing) Bender knows what he's doing! Yeah! Bender knows what's he's going! Yeah!

Chapter Four:

The next day at the same recording studio, Hermes gets ready to sing again. Bender gets his laptop ready.

Bender: Just sing what's on my built in teleprompter there! This is what's going to help you make it big!

Leela: Let's take this from the top...Lights...Camera. ...

Amy: Action!

Hermes (singing): So, come on and get your toilet clean! With Tidy Bowl! Tidy Bowl! Keeps your toilet clean!

Laptop: Approved! Here's your pay!

Bender: All right! Awesome! I am great, baby!

Hermes: So, I'm singing about toilets, now?

Bender: You bet your hot diggity daffodil you are! And then some!

Hermes: Since it pays better, I'm all for it, I guess!

Leela: If you somehow make it big, Hermes, we could quit for jobs at Planet Express!

Amy: Splah! Can't wait to tell the Professor!

Bender: As soon as we make more money, we quit! We tell the Professor and everyone else at Planet Express to shove it!

Hermes: Yeah! To hell with Planet Express! Can't wait to tell LaBarbra! Hope she won't be mad at me!

Bender: Then onto the next gig!

Chapter Five:

Back at Planet Express, Leela, Bender, Hermes, and Amy were watching the commercials Hermes sang for on TV.

Hermes (in TV): With Depends Your Bladder Comes First!

Farnsworth: Wow! Hermes! I must admit! You're a natural at this!

Hermes: Though this I learned life is about living your dreams, not doing what's expected of you! (holds a wad of cash) Look at these residuals!

Leela: That's right! Or doing something somebody else wants you do to!

Bender: Yes, correct-da-mundo! Dreams! (under his breath) Dreams I'm profitting from!

Amy: What?

Bender: What?

Farnsworth gets out some goblets and pours champagne into them. And he puts a laxative in Hermes's goblet.

Farnsworth: A toast! To Dreams!

Everyone: Dreams!

One everyone has had their champagne, Bender books the first gig.

Bender: Okay I got you some more gigs!

Hermes: Yes! I can't wait!

Farnsworth: Don't forget about your jobs at Planet Express!

Everyone runs off to the next gig.

Farnsworth: Hello? Hello? Hmmmm, what happened to those other two people that are here? Oh, well? (sleeps)

-

Chapter Six:

Back at the recording studio, an audience was there. Two of the audience members were two alien-looking reptiles who are TV producers. There names are Edgar and Chester. Edgar was a dinosaur and Chester was a turtle.

Bender: Ready Hermes?

Hermes: Like a snake in a sugar cane tree!

Leela: Lights...camera...

Amy: Action!

Hermes (singing): If you're irregular and you need a helping hand, take us, we are Ex-Lax!

Just then Hermes uncontrollably craps his pants.

Leela (concerned): Hermes? Are you okay?

Amy: Oh, no!

Chester and Edgar are come up to Bender.

Edgar: Hello, sir. Bender is it?

Bender: Whatever it is, I didn't do it! You can't prove anything!

Chester: Relax! We're here to talk to your client, Hermes.

Hermes: This is so embarrassing. I just made Jamaican Souffle in my good green dress pants!

Chester (laughing): I like this guy!

Bender (laughing) Jamaican Souffle! Anyway, what's your offer?

Edgar: We heard your commercial jingles and we want you Hermes to star in your own sitcom! What do you say?

Leela: Wow! Hermes! This is a great opportunity for you. Will you do it?

Amy: Are you going to go for it?

Hermes: Yes, I will! I'll do it!

Bender: We're going to be famous, baby! What's in it for me?

Edgar: Since you're his manager...

Chester: We're letting you write the jokes!

Bender: Awesome! All right! I'll be living my dream too! Being a comedy writer and making a profit off of Hermes!

Chapter Seven:

Back at Planet Express, Farnsworth was watching TV by himself. Then suddenly a commercial for a new sitcom comes on.

TV: What happens when a Jamaican Beaurocrat becomes an aid to a British spy? Stay Tuned for an all new sitcom, 'Jerky Beef'! Tally Me Banana! Be sure to watch Jerky Beef! Starring Hermes Conrad and Hayden Fisherton! Monday nights after The Good Guys on FOX! Move over Glee!

Farnsworth: What?!

Bender: Did you see it, Professor? Did you see it?

Hermes: I'm getting my own sitcom!

Bender: All because he made Jamaican Souffle in his pants!

Farnsworth; So you're all leaving?

Leela: Yes we are! We're fed up with making delivery missions and then having some idiot mess up! And that idiot always degrades me and ruins my life somehow!

Amy: Amen to that! No more Planet Express for us!

Farnsworth: But I put champagne in your laxative so you won't do it!

Bender: Best thing that's ever happened to us. Who would've thought crapping in your pants would be beneficial?

Farnsworth: Your lives are here! Who's going to be my crew now? Scruffy? He's all I have left!

Hermes: We're leaving everything behind and moving to LA!

Leela: Already have my things packed.

Bender: Good riddance Professor! (takes out a ukuluke and sings): California Baby! We're gonna be rich! So you can take Planet Express and throw it in a ditch! California Baby! Where did you get those eyes...

Leela, Hermes, and Amy join in on the singing, they all continue to sing until they leave.

Farnsworth: By quitting you just signed my death warrant! Planet Express is doomed! DOOMED! You'll all be back! You'll come crawling back!

They all get to LA on Bender's hovercycle. Leela was behind Bender and Hermes and Amy were in a passenger seat.

Chapter Eight:

(The opening credits to Laguna Beach are spoofed with Bender, Leela, Hermes, and Amy shopping, dancing, and going to the beach).

At the 30th Century Fox studios the sitcom is getting ready to be filmed. Bender wrote the jokes and his co-producing, Edgar and Chester were filming and Leela and Amy were in the audience.

Chester: Okay, we're taping a fight scene.

Edgar: Did you memorize your lines?

Chester: Places people, Jerky Beef, pilot episode, Take One...

Edgar: Lights...camera...action!

Hayden: Look at this, we're surrounded by enemy combatants! We must fight!

Hermes: This is Jamaican Me Crazy! I say we Calypso Dance!

Hermes and Hayden fight off the enemies with Calypso dancing!

Hayden: Wow! Excellent work, Jerky Beef!

Hermes: Thank you, boss! Let's get together and feel all right!

Everyone in the audience laughs.

Later on they shoot the last scene.

Boss: Wow, Hayden Fisherton, I don't know how you do it! Another case closed!

Hayden (laughs): It was nothing, chief! All the credit goes to Jerky Beef! What do you have to say for yourself?

Hermes: Daylight come and we wanna go home!

Everybody in the audience laughs.

Bender: I'm the genius behind this material! I can feel it now! Jerky Beef is going to be the next Get Smart! There is just no downside to being a producer!

Then Edgar's cellphone rings.

Edgar: I got this. (answers it) Hello? What? Cancelled? Too stereotypical? Too controversial?

Just then a Wide Load truck passes by the studios with Hermes's mansion. Leela sees it.

Leela: Hermes! They're taking away your house!

Amy: It got foreclosed on!

Hermes (gasps): My mansion!

Edgar: This is what happens when first time actors careers end before they begin!

Bender: Will I lose anything? Hello? You didn't answer my question...

Leela: Stop being so self absorbed and let's get Hermes his house back!

Bender, Leela, Hermes, and Amy all board a hover taxi. Bender punches out the taxi driver and drives away.

Bender: Just like Lethal Weapon 4!

Edgar: Oh, my gosh! Look! Hermes's house is being taken away and him and his friends are in hot prusuit!

Chester: This is awesome!

Edgar: Keep shooting Chester!

-

Chapter Nine:

Song: Linkin Park's The Catalyst plays

There is a high speed hovercar chase going down Sunset Blvd. Bender is in hot prusuit after the Wide Load truck. Chester and Edgar are behind them filming.

Bender: On the count of three, we all jump aboard.

Everyone readies to jump aboard.

Bender: 1...2... 3!

Bender, Leela, Hermes, and Amy all jumped aboard the Wide Load truck and climbing onto the roof of Hermes' house.

Chester: Look at this! They all jumped out of the taxi and they're all on the house!

Edgar: Wow! Hermes just might get his own sitcom after all! This will be the pinnacle point of my career! Keep shooting Chester!

On the roof, Leela and Bender plan to stop the driver.

Bender: Here's the deal, Leela and I are going to stop the driver!

Leela: You two stay here.

Amy: What do you mean, you two stay here?

Hermes: Just do what they say. I was going to tell my family about moving to LA!

Amy: So much for dreams.

Leela and Bender jump into the drivers seat and see the driver is Tom Cruise's head attached to a robot body.

Tom Cruise (singing): Scientology! Scientology! The power of Scientology! (sees Leela and Bender) Hello, do you want to be converted to scientology? First your state of mind must be clear!

Leela: You Hollywood hoodlums stole our friend's dream!

Bender: My dream was stolen, too! And Scientology sucks!

Tom Cruise: (swerves the truck): Check out my sweet swerve! Complements to L. Ron Hubbard!

Tom Cruise's swerve caused everyone to fall down. Bender then breaks off the steering wheel.

Bender: Where's your Scientology power now?

Tom Cruise: Oh, no!

Leela: Want to know what you need? A Risky Business! (karate kicks Tom Cruise) Hee-ya!

Tom Cruise's head fell into the windshield. Bender picks up his head.

Tom Cruise: No, no, no! Please! I need another hit! My movie Lions for Lambs 3000 totally bombed.

Bender: Well, guess what Tom Cruise? You and your scientology can bite my shiny metal ass!

Bender throws Tom Cruise's head out the window.

Tom Cruise: Your state of mind isn't clearrrrrrr!

Edgar: Did you get that? They just beat up Tom Cruise's head!

Chester: Sure did, got it!

Edgar: Keep shooting Chester!

Bender slams on the brakes and the truck comes to a complete stop.

-

Chapter Ten:

The chase ended in Yuma Arizona. Hermes's mansion was saved! Everyone came out of the Wide Load truck.

Bender: One thing's for sure. Tom Cruise just lost that loving feeling!

Hermes: I got my mansion back.

Amy: That'll teach us for seeking fame.

Leela: Exactly. We became no better than those wannabe reality show stars.

Chester and Edgar run to them.

Edgar: Wow! That car chase was epic! I mean epic!

Chester (hands Hermes a contract): Looks like you get your own TV Show after all! We'll make it a reality show. Just sign here and don't read the fine print.

Bender: As your manager, I order you to do it? I've had fun making money off of you!

Hermes (rips up contract): No! I'm going back to the beaurcracy! I learned all you Hollywood types just chew people up and spit them out!

Bender: Dammit! Son of a bitch! For a minute there I was hoping!

Leela: Let's all go home.

Amy: That's a good idea.

Edgar: Okay then your loss!

Chester: Should I keep shooting?

Edgar: Oh, SHUT UP, Chester!

As Leela, Bender, Hermes, and Amy boarded the Wide Load truck, they all headed home.

Leela: Wait a second...aren't we forgetting something?

Hermes: I don't know what it could be?

Amy: Yeah, something was missing, I haven't the slightest idea what it could be.

Bender: Who cares what it was? Let's just go home so I can pimp and crime in anger!

Leela: You're absolutely right! It sure was a fun adventure just the four of us.

Hermes: Let's get our jobs back.

Amy: We sure need them.

Leela: Should we have another adventure just us four?

Bender: Absa-freakin'-lutely! How about next week?

Amy: Sounds great to me!

Hermes: Or maybe tommorow!

Bender drives the Wide Load truck back to New New York.

Leela: Next week it is. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Song Ends

THE END

Closing Credits. 


End file.
